April 23, 2010
“After my very inspiring entry on April 19th, 2010 I had another “bad” day on April 20th which I took very hard. I was extremely at peace with going to get the candy and didn’t even try to convince myself to stop. I was just like “ I want it” and it was full force. I felt very out of control and like I wasn’t the one in charge, it was scary. I told my boyfriend about it and he said the “maybe you really aren’t ready to get better” which really upset me-of course I want to get better! He is supposed to be supporting me no-matter-what and he says because I have a set back that I don’t want to get better??? Then I started thinking…could he be right? I don’t know. I don’t think he is right. I think that unless you have or are trying to recover from an addiction you really have no idea what its like. I think he thinks that it should be no problem to get over it if I really want to which makes me feel extra awful when I have a “bad” day. I accept that I will have good days and then a bad day and have to get “back on the wagon” and pick myself up until eventually the good days are easier and more numerous than the bad days. I just wish everyone else got that. Maybe I am fooling myself into thinking I am getting better but I am pretty sure I am getting better.
I look at my life at this time last year and I had just begun to be able to have “good” days during the week. The start of my recovery was really in March last year when we were in Hawaii for my sister’s 21st birthday. When we came back I was doing really well and I lost 10 to 15 lbs and looked great all summer. During the end of August, early September into October things were harder again. I found it harder to have a “good” day and easier to just cave in. I think a lot of it was that I was living with my parents and just not very happy. When I moved out in November I sort of restarted the whole recovery aspect and have been in full force ever since. I honestly find my boyfriend to be a great source of motivation without his even knowing it. I want to get better so that we can do whatever we want whenever we want and I don’t get all weird or feel like I can’t enjoy the time because of my food addiction. I want to be well so I can enjoy life and do what I want when I want. This eating disorder holds me back from social outings, friends, family, and from being a normal well adjusted person.
Today I read a book at home and actually thought “this is what it should be like.” I was doing a normal activity and just at peace with the day/myself. I thought about buying candy, I even went to a store to buy gum and had to go to the candy aisle to do so. I left with gum, soda, and saline solution for my dog’s eye. I was so proud of myself for not caving. I can go into a store and not buy candy!! I think that is another thing that is hard, I am really all on my own for my motivation and praising myself. I have reached out to a lot of people for help and they are all willing to help however they can but ultimately it is up to me.
I have to say I am really happy that I am now able to go through a week and have more good than bad days. I feel like everyone else wants me to be well but truly has no idea how to help me and honestly I don’t know what to say in regards to that. I just need support and the hardest part is that I need the support the most when I can’t ask for it. How do I get that? How do I tell someone to help me when I need it the most but won’t ask for it?
This is definitely not an easy road to recovery and I find myself frustrated a lot but also am really trying to cut myself a lot of slack. I have my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel and I truly believe I will be well. If I can improve each month and each year then I can eventually be free of this horrible disease.
still contemplate entering rehab and perhaps it would be for the best because I would truly have to surrender my control and would be forced to face myself when I am in addict mode and will do anything for a “fix.” Unfortunately I am not in a financial position to get that sort of help and since I currently have no health insurance there is really no way for me to seek help. I could take out a loan or ask for money from my parents but I really think I can do this on my own with the support of professionals and those closest to me. My brother still asks me weekly (though its supposed to be daily) how I am doing and he keeps a weekly tally of good vs. bad days. My boyfriend asks me daily for 3 reasons why I want to get better and he is so supportive of me though he often doesn’t know how to help he keeps trying. I have never had someone care so much about me and genuinely want me to be better. I am actually very afraid that I will lose him over this eating disorder. I am afraid he will just pack up and leave one day because he can’t handle “it” anymore or he will get sick of my failing. I would hope he would stick by my side thru thick and thin but I couldn’t blame him if he couldn’t deal with it. It’s a lot to deal with. I wish I could be “easy” and eat whatever I want. I wish I could indulge and enjoy it. I have never been and never foresee myself being the sort of person who enjoys unbuttoning their pants because they are so full. I would rather keep my pants buttoned and eat less. I don’t think that’s about control but more that I find a person should eat for energy and not for enjoyment. I know that so many people would disagree and that is okay…
I would love to see nutrition taught in the schools so kids learn how to eat right. Its ridiculous that there is no nutrition education and it makes me crazy because I really think if someone had pulled me aside or showed me how to eat for energy not for feelings of emptiness or sadness that I would not be the product of an eating disorder…”